We’ve all heard the phrases. Good vibes only. No bad days. Just stay positive. And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with positivity, something happens when it becomes the only lens we’re allowed to look through.
Toxic positivity (otherwise known as the pressure to be happy at all costs) is often misunderstood as resilience, cheerfulness, or good leadership. But really it’s a form of emotional avoidance. And it’s a far cry from the grounded, evidence-based optimism championed by Dr Martin Seligman, founder of the field of positive psychology.
What positive psychology is actually about
At its core, positive psychology is not about ignoring hard things (aka toxic positivity). It’s about asking what helps us thrive, even in the face of difficulty. Seligman’s research, carried out at the University of Pennsylvania, focuses on how humans can live with intention, meaning and vitality, not just how we bounce back but how we grow.
His well-known PERMA framework outlines five pillars that support human flourishing:
P – Positive Emotion: Not the suppression of sadness, but the conscious creation of space for emotions like joy, love, curiosity and gratitude.
E – Engagement: The deep, focused state we experience when doing something that absorbs us, also known as flow. This might be found in creative work, problem-solving, gardening or parenting.
R – Relationships: Meaningful connection with others isn’t optional. We are biologically wired to feel more whole when we’re in safe, authentic relationships.
M – Meaning: A sense of purpose that stretches beyond ourselves and knowing that our work, energy or presence contributes to something larger.
A – Accomplishment: The satisfaction of setting and achieving goals that matter to us. It’s about growth, not perfection.
Seligman’s work teaches us that optimism is a skill that can be learned and practiced. But it must be built on a foundation of psychological safety and emotional truth. When we bypass the hard parts, we’re not practicing positive psychology, we’re actually distorting it.
The emotional cost of “just staying positive”
Toxic positivity isn’t just annoying (which it damn well can be). It can be deeply harmful. When we’re encouraged to ignore frustration, anger, fear, pain, sadness, or grief, we lose access to crucial information about ourselves. Emotions are not obstacles, they are indicators. They tell us what matters. They show us where to pay attention.
Avoiding those messages creates imbalance in our internal ecosystem. Eventually, that imbalance shows up in our bodies, in our minds, in our relationships, and in our capacity to lead others. The more we suppress, the more we disconnect.
This isn’t just true on an individual level. It’s true in teams, organisations and families. If there’s no room for discomfort, disagreement or vulnerability, trust erodes. Because we are intuitive creatures we know when something’s off, even if it’s hidden behind a smile.
Choosing happiness, not forcing it
On a personal note, through my many (many!) years of fertility challenges and pregnancy losses, I had periods of tremendous grief that I couldn’t bypass. It was impossible to do so. But alongside the grief I tried as best I could to actively make space for positivity/happiness/hope/optimism. Not to force the positive emotion nor pretend, but to proactively create the intention for it to exist and grow.
That distinction is important. Healthy optimism doesn’t deny reality, it sits beside it with hope. It says, This is hard, and I still believe joy is possible. It says, I can feel pain and hold purpose. It’s both-and, not either-or. Holding this duality is a skill that pertains to both our professional and personal lives. And it is this duality that I try to help my clients activate as they navigate their paths.
Practicing healthy positivity
If you're trying to shift away from toxic positivity and into something more grounded, start by asking: Which parts of the PERMA framework are present in my life right now? Which ones are lacking?
Trying to “think positive” without support, connection or purpose is like planting seeds in dry soil. The conditions matter. Gratitude, for example, becomes hollow if it’s only practiced when everything feels good. Equally, it can feel impossible if it’s only attempted when life feels gruelling and contracted. But if built as a regular habit, it can become a lifeline. A tether to the possibility of something more.
The aim isn’t endless happiness, it’s wholeness. The question isn’t, how do I stay positive? The question is, how do I stay open to what is and what could be?
If this resonates and you’re seeking personalised guidance, feel free to explore the Sageform coaching studio and book an intro call.