Smart Vulnerability: Navigating the Nuances of Socially Intelligent Self-Expression

Discerning the appropriate level of vulnerability for the environment is key.

In recent years, the collective conversation around the transformative power of vulnerability has become ubiquitous. While this is categorically a good thing, I’ve noticed that some of the nuance around its application (when and how we should show up vulnerably) has been lost in translation.

As a conscious leadership coach, I coined the term ‘smart vulnerability’ to help bring some of those shades of grey back into the conversation.

In order to truly thrive professionally and personally, we need to discern the appropriate level of vulnerability for the context and outcome we wish to achieve. This is smart vulnerability.

Some may see it as antithetical to the nature of vulnerability to consider how and when it is expressed. But in my experience as a coach to high performing creatives (and my experience as a liver of life!) drawing on our rational, intuitive and emotional resources to make socially intelligent decisions is never a mistake. True authenticity can be upheld, even when we hold a little back.

Most of us want to self-express authentically because doing so builds deeper connections and more fulfilling relational dynamics. People generally hold back this self-expression for the simple fear of judgment and the cascade of potentialities.

The Risk of Over-Sharing

There is a fine balance to strike between holding back our authentic self out of fear, versus holding back a degree of vulnerability out of sensitivity and self-awareness.

Every living being has its own personal ecology: a finely tuned system of emotions, triggers and personal vulnerabilities. When we focus only on our own ecology (our need to self-express irrespective of the context) we risk destabilising the ecologies of those around us. Sometimes, this risk is warranted. However, it’s always worth considering whether it isn’t.

For those who might be deemed “over-sharers” the propensity to “be vulnerable” no matter the context can have serious implications for those around them, particularly in professional contexts, negatively impacting team dynamics.

When a group of people do not have the skills, capacity nor willingness to hold the emotional experience being shared, it is apt to create overwhelm in the recipients. This overwhelm can transmute to resentment (“you overwhelmed me, I am now carrying your experience, I am distracted and unfocused due to your oversharing”). Strategy and innovation may also suffer, as the share absorbs the available energy and attention from the group, derailing meetings or overshadowing more topical issues.

Additionally, it may prevent smart vulnerability from emerging in group contexts. If one colleague has trauma-dumped (begun expressing something traumatic before it has been processed) there leaves little to-no space for someone to share an experience that is relevant to the working context that, by comparison, may seem trivial or minimal.

Self-Censorship Versus Smart Vulnerability

At this point you might be wondering: where is the line between self-censorship and “smart” vulnerability? Herein lies a huge part of the problem. In today’s world of binary identity politics and the perceived chasm between “right” and “wrong” thinking, we are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with grey areas. But the grey area is exactly where we must be to get comfortable with smart vulnerability.

In order to show up in our full self-expression, we need an intuitive understanding of both spaces and people. To do this, we must connect with the soma – the body – as distinct from the soul, mind or psyche.

There’s always felt sense in the body of when it’s safe to bravely share, or when such sharing might in fact, cause harm (to the self or others).

On a daily basis, I work with my clients to help them cultivate this specific form of conscious awareness, which they are able to carry through personal and professional situations, enabling their lives to be led by smart vulnerability.

Safe Spaces Require Smart Vulnerability

Safe spaces can evolve organically, but it's more likely that there’s at least one person present who leads with smart vulnerability, creating the stable foundations for healthy spaces to flourish. It looks something like this:

But what happens if nobody in the team naturally has this ability, including you?

You can work on building the smart vulnerability muscle using the scientific method. This means you draw conclusions based on observations and evidence you gather by showing up in small yet vulnerable ways. As you see more meaningful connections and greater fulfillment follow, you can theorise that smart vulnerability is effective. That it is safe.

A slow and steady approach allows you to build data around the types of vulnerability that offer positive results. You can then repeat and build the skill.

I use the scientific method with my coaching clients, both in how I approach sessions with them and how we build their skillsets, together. If being vulnerable doesn’t seem to come naturally or intuitively, it doesn’t mean you cannot cultivate the skill. You just need to start by gathering the evidence that it is smart and safe to move forward with vulnerability and have the support to do so authentically.