Presence: What it is & How to have it
Hint: it’s available to absolutely everyone.
Yesterday, I was faced with the all-too-familiar juggle of work and parenthood. I thought I had one more hour more before code-switching from coaching to mothering my youngest child. But as any parent knows: when we plan, the baby laughs. My nanny had to leave early just as my 2-year-old woke from her nap.
Like any toddler, she demands my full attention which, in that moment, I was trying desperately to split between my daughter and my emails. My ability to be present with her quickly unravelled.
As I fought against my desire to continue working, I showed up with little to no groundedness, awareness, or authenticity and, even at two years of age, she felt my lack of presence.
This led me to think about a common topic that comes up in my coaching sessions - ‘how to have presence’ whether it be executive presence, leadership presence or a ‘I walk into a room and everyone notices’ kind of presence’.
Why do so many of us seek to build a strong presence? What does it really mean to have it?
Presence is energetic
There’s a common belief that presence is synonymous with charisma. To have presence, it’s often thought, one must walk into a room and blow everyone’s hair back. A person with presence makes every head turn with their wit and charm. This is certainly a unique form of presence but it’s not the only form of presence.
When a person is grounded in themselves, truly aware and connected to the present moment and the people within it, their energy has a unique presence. This grounded, connected energy is the true foundation of presence, upon which we can express ourselves with conviction and create a felt impact on others in a myriad of ways.
Have you ever met an individual who very quietly took up space in a room? Someone who, over time, revealed a profound sense of connectedness not only to themselves, but to the people with whom they interacted? Has someone ever surprised you with the quietness of their confidence? These people have a unique form of presence, too.
Presence is not loud nor quiet – it is wholehearted
People with presence understand their unique gifts and skills and lean into them. In simple terms, they are authentically themselves. When we honour our true character, values and beliefs we open the door to presence. This unequivocally means that presence is available to everyone. No exceptions.
Imagine a person whose natural gift is softness and stillness while listening to others. Now imagine this person has a misguided notion that the only way they can become a “person with presence” is to bound into every room cracking jokes and taking up space. It would be antithetical to who they really are. Not only would it read as fake and false, it would undermine their true gifts and skills. Not only would it simply not work, it would make everyone fairly uncomfortable.
When someone has presence, it has stemmed from their ability to be wholeheartedly there. It’s simple, but not always easy. It requires a deep connectedness to self and to the ecosystems within which we exist. It requires a belief in the self that translates into a projected confidence, energetically felt by the people around that person.
Whatever disconnects you from your environment, disconnects you from your presence
Have you ever experienced a moment when you’re speaking to someone, trying to listen intently to their every word, only to find yourself thinking about some item on your own to-do list? Did you then wonder if the other person noticed you drift away? The answer is almost certainly yes, yes they did.
Energetically, we feel it when someone figuratively leaves the room. In those moments, our presence is diluted, and it is felt. Whether it’s your to-do list, a limiting belief or a moment of anxiety, disconnection from our environment is a disconnection from our presence.
How to stay regulated in a distracted world
The degree to which we are regulated is directly correlated with our ability to stay connected, grounded and present. Regulation of the nervous system, feelings, thoughts and behaviours is crucial to presence.
But in a world that is more distracted and dysregulated than ever, how do we do this? While there is no silver bullet (I don't believe in them when it comes to any personal work worth its weight) there are tactical, practical ways to rewire our neural pathways.
When I work with coaching clients seeking to deepen or cultivate presence in their professional lives, we create tactical processes that are easily accessible in moments of need. But first we must embark on the deeper process of understanding the limiting beliefs and behaviours that prevent their Whole Self° from showing up in work and life. The tactics don’t work if the underlying issues aren’t understood first. We break the beliefs and blockers down. We sit with them. We understand them. And gently, bit by bit, we bid them farewell.
Once this awareness is embodied, emotional and physical regulation is a natural consequence. Presence inevitably follows suit, as the individual comes home to themself, becoming deeply and authentically comfortable in their own skin.
Be who you are and presence will follow
It might sound simplistic to say be yourself and you’ll have presence! However, it can also be seen as a radical act of self acceptance to decondition ourselves from who we believe we should be, and connect with who we really are – and live confidently as that person.
This work requires us to break down the very fibres of our identity and grapple with which parts are learned versus innate. We must sort through everything from inherited childhood behaviours, to attitudes and beliefs adopted in workplaces, in order to decipher the truth of who we are.
The treasure at the end of this transformative work, is a personhood grounded in certainty. It is presence.
This is a wonderful reminder, thank you for framing presence so eloquently!